Shaken But Not Stirred

God richly blessed me in September of last year when I got word that my ex-husband (my abuser) was moving 19 hours away.  I had been praying for a year that God would move him far away from us, and he did!  I was so thankful because for once since 2006 (when we met), I could relax and finally breathe.

This past spring, I was able to file for full legal custody of our 3 children.  They had been in my sole care for over a year and outside of sending child support and gifts on birthdays and Christmas, he has had zero contact with them for almost 2 years; he even refused supervised (required by DSS) visitation.  So when I filed for custody, I was just getting the legal backing of what had been already in place for a long time.  Still though, it was highly intimidating as my ex had repeatedly threatened all sorts of things if I filed for custody.

I have written before how I had been out of God's will for 22 months.  God really taught me something yesterday upon receiving a phone call from my ex-mother-in-law.  I have been on a spiritual high this week after being in an adult bible study for VBS.  I really think it's been the first time where I have given 100% of myself to God and been able to give him my undivided attention (because I prayed for it) and boy did he ever speak to me.  I need to write an entry about it because it has been awesome!  Ok, I'm getting sidetracked here...ex-mother-law & phone call..

She called me and gave me some bad news (she is happy though of course), that he was moving back home and would be here week after next.  She had told me a couple of weeks ago that he was a possibility because he had quit his full time job (he just didn't like it anymore) and was having a hard time finding a new one.  She told me that I was more than welcome to ask her questions about it when I had the time.  I thanked her for calling me and then we hung up.

I was okay for the first few minutes and then I began to feel this dark cloud come over me and engulf me in worry, fear and panic.  I definitely felt shaken.  I immediately began praying that God would take those feelings away, restore peace and comfort in my heart and swirl it around me so that I would feel safe in him again.  I had to take one of my children to speech therapy and on the way there, I just began asking God, why he had led my ex to move 19 hours away, only to have him come back here and cause all of these feelings to come back.  I was confused because it just didn't make sense.  I called my mother and told her the news and asked her to pray for me which I know she did as soon as we hung up.  Within just a few minutes everything made sense and my shaken state was restored. 

God had led him to move away so far because that was the only thing that would get me to relax and bring calmness to me at that time; I needed it.  But now that I'm back in God's will and in his arms again, my peace is found in my Lord and not in the physical distance between myself and my abuser.  Now that my faith has been restored, I can trust God to take care of my children and myself.  He is my rock and my refuge.  Psalms 91:4 tells us "Under his wings you may seek refuge." (NAS)  If your heart belongs to Jesus, fear does not have a place in your heart.  

If you have fear and if you do not have a peace of mind, know that it does not come from God.  The next time you have these feelings, remember the scripture that is listed in 2 Timothy 1:7 "For God has not given us the spirit of fear but of power, and of love and of a sound mind." (KJV)  Anything that contradicts those things comes from Satan and he is attempting to control you and keep you from trusting God.  He's trying to shake you to the point of being stirred up so much that you can't function...he wants to paralyze you with fear.

I figured out that that was what was going on yesterday.  Satan was attempting to shake me up and stir fear up in me so that I would be paralyzed in my faith once again.  For twenty-two months Satan had me paralyzed and right where he wanted me and I simply refuse to go back!  It's no surprise that he attempted to attack me because I've been growing closer to God each day; I know Satan wants to stir me up and stop me in my tracks.  However, by praying in faith that God would release me from my fears and by telling Satan to get behind me in the name of Jesus...God stopped Satan in his tracks instead! 

The Foothold

I'm so thankful that I get a chance each morning to strive to follow God's word and show him that I love him by my actions and my attitude.  If I were to honestly grade myself on how well I do this each day, say for the past month, and look at my self written report card, I would see mostly Cs, some Ds and even a few Fs....Okay, okay I don't think that is totally honest either.  I said I would be honest here...in reality in the time that I started this blog I would give myself mostly Fs....sad isn't it?  If I were to have an "A" month, there would be an entry in this blog almost everyday, because I know God has told me to write this, and writing in it is being obedient to him.  But when I don't, I'm putting others ahead of him and saying that I have more important things to do than to spend time with my Father.  God uses me writing an entry as part of my devotion.  How many entries are there to date?  That's a reflection to me (and now to you) of how many days I have actually put God first in my life and lived to follow his word.  To be honest, I'm completely ashamed and I'd be hanging my head if it weren't for needing to look at the screen to type.

But, do you know how many times I have hung my head in shame at my actions and thoughts and told God how sorry I am that I've not put him first in my life and how sorry I am that I broke his rules and just put him aside and followed my own agenda?  I would lose count quickly if I were to even just look at a week.  And you know what?  Me bowing my head in shame and saying how sorry I am...it's just not good enough anymore.  I've said it so much in my life and I've even grown tired of hearing myself say it, even if I am genuinely sorry and even if I do try to follow him but quickly fall to temptation and laziness.  I'm tired of the apologies that I give God for not following him.  Because in actualaity, following him is awesome and it reaps some totally awesome rewards.  But I don't want to follow Christ because of the awesomeness I would get in return.  I want to follow Christ because I love him with my whole heart and I love him more than I love this world and the temporary fix that that world provides.  But it's so very hard...

You can love God and you can have a mega desire to be one with him, but if Satan has a foothold in your life, it can be an uphill battle.  It's not impossible because nothing, absolutely nothing is impossible with God.   On the days where I have lived it up for God I have prayed throughout the day for God to combat Satan for me.  On the days where I have ended up living for this world, I haven't prayed and tried to combat Satan myself.  Doing this is a surefire way to lose because you can't go against Satan yourself; he will always win!  If you do not pray continuously throughout the day for God to battle Satan for you when Satan is on your case, you will lose.  And that's where I have fallen short.  It's become a bad habit of letting Satan win.  It's a true shame that I've allowed him to win so much.  God had done some awesome things in my life, especially over the past few years.  I've been through quite a bit and I know that he wants to share my story eventually.  But as long as I allow Satan to keep that foothold on me, that sharing will not happen.  Why would it?  God blesses those who follow his word and this means that God blesses those who love him and who show it by their words AND their actions.  I know that until I become consistent in my daily walk with him, he's not going to bless me.  He's not going to take care of my family and myself the way that I need and dream of him to and he's certainly not going to lead me to getting in front of people sharing how awesome his love is.  He's told me these things...it's all very clear.

I'm not waiting on God to move in my life....he's waiting on me!  All I have to do is commit to him 100% of myself and rely on him to carry me through each and every day.  And when Satan is whispering dark nothings in my ear, I'm to pray "Get thee behind me Satan in Jesus's name" (Mathew 16:23) and pray hard for God to carry me through that time, instead of giving in.  Because, even if Satan is on me like white on rice, if I reach out to God and stay close to him, eventually Satan WILL leave me (and you!) alone.  He has to, because even though Satan is strong, God is stronger and if God lives in your heart he already has permanent residence and will kick any intruders to the curb.    

Maybe this blog is to help me give that 100% of myself everyday because I just can't write about following God if I'm not doing it myself, because that would be a lie and make me out to be a hypocrite.  So, if I'm writing about following God, rest assured I'm doing it.  Likewise as I write about struggling, trust me, I am.  

Something awesome that I'm feeling now as I write this entry is excitement of following him and being in obedience because I know that he wants me to share my story and reach others and I know that is in my future.  I don't know how or when but I know it will happen.  And again, I'm not trying to follow God to reap the rewards.  I want to follow him because he's my Dad and I love him more than anything.  Without him I wouldn't be here.  He unconditionally loves me and always has, even before I was born, he loved me.  With that much love, how selfish would I be if I were to just take that love and not love him back?  

I'm tired of being selfish.  I'm sick of giving into that foothold that Satan has.  I'm sick of having to go to God apologizing for giving into Satan.  I'm sick of that walk of shame to the alter that I make as I ask for forgiveness for following the world instead of him.  I'm tired of having to tell God the same thing, every...single...day.  Enough is enough.  I am literally stomping down with all of my might on the floor visualizing a serpent.  I hunger to show God how much I love him with 100% of myself.  The only way that I can fulfill that hunger is by putting my blinders on and focusing on him.  

What's Behind Me - Twenty-Two Months Of Brokenness

I'm beyond amazed at what all God has done in my life in just over a week.  And He did it because I finally began doing one thing...I jumped back into His arms after a long time of being out of them.

Nearly 2 years ago I was living in abuse at the hands of my then husband, "Simon"...I was physically, emotionally and spiritually abused and my children and I were neglected.  I had been praying for 2 years that God would either change my husband and work a miracle in his heart or, he would provide a way for my children and I to escape.  In July 2011, God provided a way out.  He told me VERY clearly at that time, to get out of His way and to let Him have Simon all to himself.  He told me this for quite a few months, yet I had a very difficult time obeying him.  It went against everything I had ever known, because I had always been a loving and devoted wife, it went against my nature to let Simon be, even if he was my abuser.  I was also terribly afraid of going against Simon in court to fight for custody of our 2 children; I was also newly pregnant with our 3rd child.  I felt that I didn't have enough proof of the abuse to win.  So instead of following God's very clear orders to get out of his way, I kept up communication via email with Simon for many months.  I saved every e-mail and recorded the few phone conversations that took place.  Now, I did get ample evidence over those 22 months to win my case.  But the thing is, is that I didn't even need it.  Because, had I trusted God and put my faith in Him, instead of elsewhere, I wouldn't have had contact with Simon and I would have been in God's will.  God knew Simon's outrageous beliefs and one of those is that he believes all government is ungodly.  God knew that Simon wouldn't even show up to court at all.  Although I had the evidence needed to win the court case, I would have won it anyway had I obeyed God.  But I chose not to and therefore remained out of God's will for 22 months.  I didn't realize this until just over a week ago when the permanent custody hearing took place and I was on my way home.

Except for a handful of times, I was out of church for 22 months.  All the while I was recovering from abuse, 9 months of that I was pregnant, dealing with being a single mom to 3 small kids, out of work, living with family, dealing with the loss of my marriage and what I thought was normal, trying to get back into school and I went through every emotion that you could think of.  To say it was a confusing 22 months is an understatement.  It would have been difficult regardless of being in God's will or out of it, however, it would have been so comforting to feel His love engulf me each day as I walked that path instead of the nothingness that I felt.   I was so confused and so lost for the majority of that time.   I would have had some confusion regardless, but if I would have just let God carry me I would have been so much better off.  I was so very broken during those days and I tried to stand on my own without any help from God.  

Healing from abuse is extraordinarily difficult but, if you do it with God's arms carrying you and His heart loving you, each day seems a little easier.  Sadly, I struggled throughout those 22 months to lean on God, but as the subject on this entry says, this is what is behind me.